Disclaimer; this is entirely my own theory to which I do not have the resources to prove incorrect or correct. I do not think there’s science to back it, but I’ve always had a theory in reference to my paralysis that it was a physical manifestation of all of the emotional turmoil that was compartmentalized into different areas of my body as physical ailment. I say this because as I have dealt with a lot of “my shit” and in times where I have noticed an improvement in my mental health I have also noticed coinciding and parallel improvement in my recovery rate or rate of improvement in a muscle movement or strength.
I know for fact that I hold a lot of tension. While some have “no chill”, I have ” no relaxation”. I have been previously described as one of the most tense people some know. Everyone is always trying to get me to relax. This is why I have a pick that I fidget with whenever I leave my home these days. I find it significantly more discreet to flip a pick between just three fingers as if I were fiddling with a pen. There are however a few people in ny life that just being around them can bring me to a calm, zen place mentally where I feel most hippie-esque. It’s not just the zen in those scenarios it’s knowing that with those people I can let my guard down and be honest to a fault without social consequence. The ones who check on me when I’m quiet because they suspect that I’m not sleeping or my pain levels are higher than I’m openly admitting to.
Being chronically ill I fully acknowledge that I count my energy in spoons, sometimes I have five for the day and others it’s five for the week. I have no desire to be around those that suck the life out of me like a positive vibe leech. I prefer to only spend my free time with people that recharge my batteries with laughter, connection, and good conversation.a few acquaintances recently claimed that they never laugh as hard as they do with me with other people. I guess I’m just willing to try and find that heart chord in conversation that will make someone laugh until they cry because I am familiar with what used to be an internal abyss of darkness.
More recently, last year I got back into counseling after my bottom surgery because I needed to process some old trauma aloud and I was finally ready to say my piece to find my peace. After each session I noticed my body starting to hold less pain and less tension as I was healing this seventeen year old soul wound. It continued to improve and eventually I started to feel a lot better on my good days and even the days where I cannot get out of bed due to physical pain are not as bad now that i survived my own mental prison. Even if it was the movement of a single digit of a finger or toe I notice a functional difference each time my emotional space improves.
As a common saying goes, “everything can change in an instant”. Personally I have had a few of those circumstances arise for me personally such as: paralysis and waking up after my GRS feeling like my meat suite was completely my own for the first time. It seems like no matter your stage in life or area of expertise we are all just waiting to achieve that next goal in Hope’s that it causes a shift in our lives for the better. We should be more focused on just being happy in the present despite the conditions.
I will always honor the years I have spent rehabbing my body and the daily activity required to maintain my health for the rest of my life as one of the best life changing moments because I learned to see the world in a whole new light. Among many other things I learned, patience, self love and gratitude for the smallest of wins. If I’m still alive when middle aged I think om going to be one of those people that says things such as,” every day above ground is a good day.” People think it’s intense that I see that event as a positive thing, but I actively made the decision to have my right temporal lobe craniotomy revision, I even signed the surgical consent myself because I was old enough.
Honestly in the weeks leading up to my recent operation I pretty much fell off the grid. Going into surgery I was so stressed my anesthesiologist was actually cracking jokes with me to try and get me to relax before she gave me the epidural, of course I panicked my last operation left me half paralyzed. There was literally no better feeling than “waking up” post OP and realizing that the procedure had gone just as planned and despite still being frozen from the waist down , which was kind of strange I was left with tears of joy rolling down each cheek with a grin from ear to ear. I’m not going to lie, I definitely had my doubts if this surgery would complete my medical transition or not, but to my surprise it did. I might need to learn to just have a little more faith in things turning out well. It turns out surgical recovery is pretty relaxed. when it’s an uncomplicated minor operation. I have been trying to just take it easy so I heal, but those who have followed me over the years will know that I’m bad at taking it easy.