Disclaimer; this is entirely my own theory to which I do not have the resources to prove incorrect or correct. I do not think there’s science to back it, but I’ve always had a theory in reference to my paralysis that it was a physical manifestation of all of the emotional turmoil that was compartmentalized into different areas of my body as physical ailment. I say this because as I have dealt with a lot of “my shit” and in times where I have noticed an improvement in my mental health I have also noticed coinciding and parallel improvement in my recovery rate or rate of improvement in a muscle movement or strength.
I know for fact that I hold a lot of tension. While some have “no chill”, I have ” no relaxation”. I have been previously described as one of the most tense people some know. Everyone is always trying to get me to relax. This is why I have a pick that I fidget with whenever I leave my home these days. I find it significantly more discreet to flip a pick between just three fingers as if I were fiddling with a pen. There are however a few people in ny life that just being around them can bring me to a calm, zen place mentally where I feel most hippie-esque. It’s not just the zen in those scenarios it’s knowing that with those people I can let my guard down and be honest to a fault without social consequence. The ones who check on me when I’m quiet because they suspect that I’m not sleeping or my pain levels are higher than I’m openly admitting to.
Being chronically ill I fully acknowledge that I count my energy in spoons, sometimes I have five for the day and others it’s five for the week. I have no desire to be around those that suck the life out of me like a positive vibe leech. I prefer to only spend my free time with people that recharge my batteries with laughter, connection, and good conversation.a few acquaintances recently claimed that they never laugh as hard as they do with me with other people. I guess I’m just willing to try and find that heart chord in conversation that will make someone laugh until they cry because I am familiar with what used to be an internal abyss of darkness.
More recently, last year I got back into counseling after my bottom surgery because I needed to process some old trauma aloud and I was finally ready to say my piece to find my peace. After each session I noticed my body starting to hold less pain and less tension as I was healing this seventeen year old soul wound. It continued to improve and eventually I started to feel a lot better on my good days and even the days where I cannot get out of bed due to physical pain are not as bad now that i survived my own mental prison. Even if it was the movement of a single digit of a finger or toe I notice a functional difference each time my emotional space improves.
It requires years of self analysis and knowing my own physical limits to even begin to gauge the amount of energy (spoons) “re spoon theory” to try and gauge how much I can do in a day. Some days I have the spoons to complete an entire weeks to do list in half the day and others it takes me all day to complete a single thing because my pain levels are just too high. My transition and getting my hormone levels corrected was an act of creating more physical energy in my body and during good months even having more good days than bad.
Prime example: I recently had a 6 day migraine that left me with zero daily spoons so I mostly just ate when I had to, bathed, and rested. I can tolerate the pain, but the light sensitivity and nausea really knock me down a lot. I’m still trying to bounce back from it, but I’m regaining energy daily thanks to proper exercise and nutrition. The week prior to this pdin spike I had had more energy than I had in quite some time and was getting lots done so I anticipated being knocked on my ass, although I did not anticipate it being so bad.
With a little bit of caffeine I can push through most levels of pain expect my max pain tolerance, which in turn makes it that much harder to notice thet I’m pouring from an empty cup that lacks physical energy. At least I’ve gotten better at taking a week off when I need to. I may be stubborn and willing to do what I have to to get things done, but I understand that in being an empowered, disabled, two spirit woman I need time to rest and recharge, and I will enjoy every second of it.